kyung

boot camp blog

2008-06-07T02:49:00.001-05:00

check it out yo

http://kimmyju.blogspot.com/

give me a rabbits foot

2008-04-10T23:10:00.003-05:00

well ive been here in atlanta working on a tyler perry film. so far the job's great. ive learned so much and mucho thanks to kim, who got me this job. and it seems that the accoutant and upm rly want me to stay and work on their next project. they havent talked to me directly, yet at least. they're having a meeting with the producer to see if they can fit me into the budget since they'll be hiring me again as a non local. and will have to house me etc. they're def considering a pay raise which i will not even consider taking this job if they dont since i am being underpaid for the position ive been working as. will keep u informed about this. wish me luck.

other then that. nothing else going on with my personal life. nothing great at least. my friend mireya is coming to visit me this weekend. im looking forward to it. i need it. it'll lift my spirits somewhat hopefully. ive been in a funk, for awhile now, almost a year. need to snap out of it, or, just make some sense out of it. wish me more luck on that.

cracked

2008-04-08T23:09:00.005-05:00

wow. its been ages. i guess there are many reasons why ive been absent from my blog. partly, just being too busy, partly, just being lazy and/or forgetful. many things have changed, my location, my friends, my family, just my life in general. as u know, ive lost a friend. and there's not a day that goes by w/o him in my thoughts, or a tear left unshed.

ive finally come back for a few reasons. i realized i need something of my own that i can hold on to. ive lost many things within this past year. and honestly, i dont know how im gonna get by. i know i will. im built that way. but as each day passes, my will subsides. my doubts empower.

i realize im very lost in life. just as many people are as well. so im trying, trying to keep going, to keep looking for anything to give me a boost to make it another day with a smile.

one step, at a time, and then, breathe.

la la people in la la land

2007-06-26T12:35:00.000-05:00

This morning i went into work with my friend. As we were driving pass an intersection, we see this Jeep drive up and stop, waiting to turn right. I saw from the distance that he was dragging something along the side of his car. As we got closer to him, we realized right when we were about to pass him by that the lengthy object was actually the hose from a gas station pump! Yes people, he had the FULL hose, nozzle and all still attached to his gas tank, driving around aimlessly in los angeles. My friend and i were stunned, we laughed of course, but were baffled more than anything. Did he know that he just drove off with the hose still connected to his car? Did he just pump and bail?? Was this just some sort of joke??? We concluded that he must have known about this because the hose was so long. It dragged all along the street, and then some. Maybe it was part of a hidden camera prank.......i guess we will never know.

Man i love l.a.

better not then have?

2007-06-20T20:33:00.000-05:00

I was talking with a friend of mine today about "1st kisses." He tells me that all his first kisses were in a car. How sad. So, i got to thinking of my own firsters. I tried and tried to think of my great 1st kiss, but, i couldnt think of one either! I realized after much thought processing, that i was now just trying to find the least lamest from the pool of lames that i had as well.

I definitely dont like the 1st kiss to be at a moment in the night where its "supposed" to happen, like at the end of the evening and he walks u to your door. That's so predictable, and ive been known to purposely not kiss the guy because of that exact reason. And let us not forget the car. This is not any better. Maybe if i was still in highschool, but now that im more grown up (realize i said "more") and the older we get, the more complicated everything else gets and tends to need to be.

So when is the perfect time? Well, i dont think there is one. After much thinking, and i do think alot. The best 1st kiss moments are the ones that never actually happen. Your face, slowly lures closer to his. Time seems to stop for that exact moment. Your heart beats at an unfamiliar rhythm, as your breathing gets heavy. You can feel his warm breath seeping into your lungs, and your lips part slightly getting ready to taste his. But, for whatever reason, your lips never touch, it never happens. That moment just holds in place. It reaches a boundary that can not cross. Both urges are strong and similiar, but for whatever reason, time starts back up, the earth continues to spin. And that "what could be" disippates. There may be other elements involved to cause the cease. Maybe the kiss would possibly stir up future complications, or unnecessary drama, or even just a simple blissed sin.

But which ever it may be, those, in my opinion, are the best 1st kiss.

opposite

2007-06-12T17:15:00.000-05:00

im such a tard when it comes to boys. maybe thats why ive always had bad luck with relationships, but then again, it seems that EVERYONE has bad luck, so does that make everyone tards? Then if everyone's a tard, doesnt that make everyone not a tard?

sorry im back from that last ramble. i did realize that when im with a guy that i am not interested in romantically, im way more comfortable with him. im more talkative, more goofy, more affectionate all around. i never hesitate to hug him, or play around with him. maybe because i have nothing to lose since my feelings are not on the line. but when it comes to guys that i do like, im the complete opposite. i'll rarely talk to him, even LOOK at him. im usually really calm and laid back. i will act completely uninterested in him. hmmph =/

yep, its official, im a tard.

just me

2007-06-11T10:39:00.000-05:00

I'm so relieved that May is over. So far June has been tender. The past week though ive been feeling very calm. Not happy, not sad, just very neutral, almost numb. But its not a negative thing, its actually comforting.

I'm flying out to cali in 5 days, i can't wait to go back and see the friendly faces and feel the familiar hugs. I keep telling myself that this big decision of moving back home was the right thing, and i know it is, but ive never felt so alone. Its not that i didnt feel lonely when i was living in l.a. I mean c'mon, it's the "lonely city." But this loneliness has just grown deeper. But i dont think its necessarily a negative thing.

This last relationship really had me messed up for awhile. I really dont think ive ever had anyone make me feel so insignificant. I went around beating myself up, and pretty hard. I think more then i deserved, more then anyone deserved to. It has changed me, i feel and think different about things, about myself, about my life in general. Again, this is all not a detrimental thing though. I do feel that im now, finally, "finding myself," more then i ever have done before.....maybe thats why i feel more alone, being on this solitary crossing has left me exactly with what i had from the beginning; just myself.

Trilogy

2007-06-06T09:50:00.000-05:00

The one good thing thus far has been my new job. I did make it to my interview and landed it. I started immediately and i really liked it. But i did say this was a 3 parter, right? Well what more could go wrong? Lots.

After my successful interview, i went to my local bank. I was happy there was a Wamu in chicago now. After doing a transaction there, i find out that one of my checking account had been depleted. Someone in mexico was walking around, enjoying life with $900 of my money. Ive always heard from others about credit card fraud or identity fraud, but i never thought it would happen directly to me. And all of you will be thinking the same thing as u read my disaster. But luckily, illegal transactions were made the day i was in the air in route from l.a. to chicago. But, it will still take some time for the bank to investigate and to refund my money. Til then, my pockets get darker and darker.

As i was at the bank though, taking care of this matter, my dad calls me to ask where i was. I tell him and then he gives me the message that one of my mom's good friend passed away. She had been diagnosed with cancer a week ago and just started her chemo, and supposedly doing a bit better. So this was all a shock to all of us. Of course i was saddened by this, not for the friend, but for my mother.

Can this be the finale? Unfortunately, this is life, and life loves to throw in constant curve balls. About a week after, i had already started my job, it seemed to be going really well. The weekend came, and i was looking forward to going out with some friends. I really needed it. As i was getting ready at home, i get alarmed by my mom running up to her room, bursting into tears. I think to myself, uh oh, what now. Find out that her dad, my grandfather, passed away. But its not as simple as "oh we lost someone we loved and now we are sad." Of course it's more complicated then that. We're talking now about my life, people. My mom's father lived in korea, and my family and i were planning on visiting this august. Sounds great huh? Well we haven't been back in korea since we had left it 27 years ago. So u can put 2 and 2 together. My mom hadn't seen her father in 27 years, and we were finally going this summer, but no, he couldnt wait til after we came to kick the bucket. There were a lot of consequential drama between my mom and dad. A lot of blaming and pointing fingers on who's fault it was that she had never gone to visit even once, and now it was too late.

For some of you that know me, and know me pretty well, have always thought of me as this pretty strong individual. Someone who can always survive anything. But there were a few moments that i really felt like i was going to drown. My mind was dizzy from all the constant spinning. My heart was being torn in multiple directions. I really didnt know if was going to make it through, i dont know if i really wanted to.

But i did.

part deux

2007-05-21T23:18:00.000-05:00

So after the car accident, there have been a string of events that occurred. I first tried calling 911, it was busy. I ended up calling it about 3 more times til it finally rang but a recording came on saying all operators are busy and to please hold. Thank god it wasnt a real emergency, but srsly, scaaaaary! After i reported the accident, i called my insurance company to figure out where to tow my car. Their computer system was all down and asked if i can call back in an hour. Um...NO! But what could they do. Luckily our tow truck driver was sweet and said we can leave it in his company's lot until we figured things out. After an hour, i called my insurance company back, and just as we were about to finalize my report, i get disconnected. So i call right back to find out that my claim was not recorded. So, i ended up doing it all over again. But no biggie i thought.

Well my dear friend joy came all the way out to Upland, where justin and i were stranded. She picked us up and we all wondered and hoped that we wouldn't have to unload my jeep completely because it was packed to the fullest. We ended up at the time taking out acouple of luggages and temperture sensitive items. As we were driving back to Burbank, we noticed a huge cloud of smoke up in the mountains right by our house. That was the beginning of the griffith park fire, some of you natives know what im talking about. As we watched the fire spread while driving home, we all talked how it was a strange day today with the whole accident and all. Things just didnt seem right to us. As we got to joy's place, we got out of the car to start unloading our stuff into the apartment. As joy opens the trunk, there's a loud crash! A few of her boxes and belongings fall out of the car and splatters onto the street. We all got startled from the loud noise and then start to laugh. Again we mention what a weird day today surely was.

As we unloaded the car, i was carrying joy's piggy bank which was a very large glass jar filled with change. Right as i set the jar down on the ground, the jar exploded. Let me clarify that i did not drop the jar. It literally seemed like it exploded and it did this all over my hands. Luckily i only got a few cuts on my hands and feet but enough that i was drawing blood and needed to get bandages. After that, joy told me to stay away from everything and that i was cursed. I started to feel that way. After i being bandaged, joy asked me to look for a broom in the apartment. I opened one of the hallway closets and managed to knock down a bowl full of scissors and knick knacks. It all came spilling on the ground. I cursed at myself, not knowing what was happening to me. My universe seemed out of line.

Afterwards, my claim adjuster calls to get my story. And as we were about to finish, he says he's having computer problems and will have to call me back. I sighed and wondered if i was giving off some sort of strange negative energy everywhere. Since i had to be in chicago by friday to attend a job interview, we ended up buying $640 plane tickets to fly out on thursday. As i was purchasing it online, i went to put in my rewards number like i always do when i purchase through southwest. But of course, it wasnt taking it and just said that the member was "unknown." But this is my number that i have always been using. So i called southwest to reconfirm my number. As i went through the whole security process with the representative, he paused and said "oh thats strange." Find out that it wouldnt give my rapid number to him either and instead, said something so foreign that the representative had to get his manager. Both didnt know what it meant and told me to call their main circuit board for rapid rewards to see if they can help. As i hung up, i wasn't surprised.

It seems the worst has gone, but in actuality, it had not. I dont know why i chose that same night to try to explore into a discussion i was having with my boyfriend justin, but stupidly, i did. And it ended up badly. We broke up and i was devastated. It had been a long time since i felt this way, so hopeless and confused. It couldnt have come at a worse time. To this day, im still trying to mend things but it looks doubtful between us. I wish i can turn back time, dont we all?

But believe it or not, this isnt even the end of it all. Yes, yes, there is more. But this is the end of just DAY 1.....

The Walking Curse - part 1

2007-05-16T22:54:00.000-05:00

May 8 2007 will be a day i will never forget. This day, starting at 1:30am with accidently locking my friend's keys in her car was just the cusp of this extremely predestined doomed day. This will have to be in multiple parts because of its longevity. Please try to bear with me...

So, i never ever lock keys in a car. But this day i did of course. After calling about 5 different locksmith, i picked the cheapest, $70! ugh! One of the most annoying things in life is when u have to spend money on something that u know u could have prevented. well this incident wasnt even that bad in retrospect of what the rest of this day entailed.

My original plan was to head out very early tuesday morning, around 4am or so. But because of the key fiasco, we didnt end up going to bed til about 3. So there was no way i was going to sleep for only an hour and then drive 28 hrs across country to chicago. So, since i didnt want to drive in morning traffic in la either, we slept til about 9am. When i awoke, it seemed to be a fine day, great weather and with good friends. After a great breakfast, we headed out and hit the road. Keep in mind, my car was packed! There were no cracks, no crevice that was untouched, thanks to the packing queen, joy. (thanks again btw) So my bf at the time and i were driving on the 210 freeway. The sun was warm, the windows were down, everything seemed to be going as planned. But then all of a sudden, on the other side of the freeway, a work truck carrying metal beams and pipes in its bed, apparently blows a tire and loses control. He hits the concrete median wall where he almost flips his vehicle over to my side of the freeway, but instead, he sends pieces of his shattered truck as well as everything that he was carrying, over the median wall like a 7 foot swell. Of course this was the perfect time for all to happen as I was on the freeway heading the opposite direction, and of course was fortunate enough to get hit by this wave of metal. I tried my best to avoid them, but I was too close and the objects hit my front bumper, damaging my grill and radiator, it damaged all 4 of my tires, 3 which ended up riding on its bone. As this is happening, my car, being an SUV loses control and starts to swerve side to side. Keep in mind we were going about 75 mph. I prayed that my car doesnt tip over and tried my best to take control of what was left of my car. Luckily, my jeep slowed down and stayed on all fours due to all the excess weight in my vehicle. Besides it sucking that i was still sitting in the LA County, and now, with no transportation. I think i was still very fortunate overall. If i had stayed in the far left lane and not had switched to the center lane 5 minutes prior, or slowed my speed down and gone into cruise control, that rush of wreckage would have instead, flown across the wall and through the driver side window. Then this blog would have been completely different.

So, yes, justin and i were shaken up, but unhurt. There is more to this story of this jinxed day....but will have to be continued. Oh and what did we end up doing about getting to chicago? Since i had a job interview lined up that friday that i couldn't miss, i ended up paying about $630 for 2 tickets to fly to chicago on thursday. Double ugh!

major turning point in my life

2007-05-03T18:42:00.000-05:00

Some of you already know my moving back home to chicago. Others, im sure this will be a complete surprise. But it is true, and it's happening soon. Im anticipating on leaving the golden state by tuesday, may 8th. I know its so soon, a lot sooner than i had originally planned. But due to job circumstances as well as other reasons, it just seems to be falling into place a lot quicker than i thought.

To most, my move may be a complete shock. Some might have never thought i would leave cali, or at least this soon. But honestly, it's been something ive been thinking about since the end of 06'. I noticed the last time i was with my family, i felt so out of the loop from everything due to living so far away. And i hated that feeling. As some of you already know, something major happened to my family over a year ago, and we are to this day coping with it. To most of you, this is all new, and that's because i tend to keep a lot of things within. Please dont take it personal.

So for me, living over 3000 miles away, i tended to live in denial, not fully understanding, mostly, not accepting the reality. I know my time right now, should be with my family. So the only thing i can offer is myself, and to be with them until the end. I want no regrets. The next question is, will i come back to california. As of now, i highly doubt it. I do not plan on staying in chicago but who knows with this thing so called "life".

I will not be having a going away party of any sort. And i know some of you have contacted me already about seeing me one last time before i depart. I will try my best, but please forgive me if i dont. I have much to do in preparations of my descent and not enough time. To the all the locals, u will all be missed, and look at it this way.....now u have a reason to come visit chicago!

change...

2007-04-24T14:17:00.000-05:00

i might be moving back to chicago.

that is all.

texting 101

2007-01-23T01:43:00.000-06:00

Alright, i finally had to write about this.....alittle pet peeve of mine. Now, i dont mean to toot my own horn or anything, but i consider myself to be quite of a texting queen. When cell phones first came out with texting, i embraced it head it on and mastered my skills. (ask cuban, we had a contest: me with regular predictive texting to his so called "better" full keyboard layout texting) and yeah.....i smoked him! (afterwards i clam bagged him)

Anyhoo.....here's a rule of texting.........

DONT bother to text if its just to write words like "okay" or "no" or "cool"....the list can go on. There's no point to those except for wasting the reader's time. My phone will beep, "doodleloop!" and i'll think, "yay i got a message from someone." I'll go looking for my phone, flip it open, go to text messages and click to read "yep." What a bummer!! (and lets not forget annoying)

So people.....if you're in the middle of a texting conversation with someone. And that other person is like "hey i gotta go, ttyl." You DONT have to respond, especially if your answer is "ok."

Ok? =P

when life gives you a lemon...

2007-01-18T12:02:00.000-06:00

well....so much has changed, yet many things are still the same since the last time i wrote in here. First, my dear friend joy has left. She's somewhere in the middle of the ocean on her way to South America first I believe. ::sasd

As for me, besides working like crazy. The only interesting thing Ive done thus far is my fast. Yes yes i did a week long fast. Some asked if i was doing it to lose weight...um duh!! Ive lost 40 lbs within the past 2 years not by starving myself but by just eating better and exercising, so why in the world would i fast to lose weight. Some people are idiots.

Anyhoo, i started my fast on Jan 2nd because I had to clean out my system, and besides for getting a colonic!!! I preferred the less "intrusive" method of fasting. So i did it a week where i only drank this lemonade concoction. For every 10 oz of water, you squeeze half a lemon, 1 tablespoon of maple syrup (not the corn syrup with maple flavoring like aunt jemima's), and a few dashes of cayenne pepper. Sounds appetizing eh? Well it wasnt as bad as I thought it was going to be. Tasted like lemonade with a kick!

You may be asking why those specific ingredients. Well the lemons are supposed to help cleaning your system out. The maple syrup is for nutrients you need AND it helps preventing the hunger craves. And the cayenne pepper is to keep your metobolism going.

The fast was actually not too hard. The 2nd and 3rd day was the worst. I had a huge headache probably from caffeine withdrawal. But it's amazing how much we actually eat and how little we can eat to be enough! But the hardest part was the weekend and you start to miss just the idea of eating and going out to eat, just the actual "act" of eating not necessarily the food. But my first day of normalcy, i ate some strawberries and they were the best thing on earth!!! =D

happy eats people!!

The end?

2006-12-15T00:58:00.000-06:00

So ive finally come to the conclusion and/or decision. I just hope this one sticks = / Sorry im going to be very vague but im doing that purposely. But ive finally realized that it was up to me. Again i was in a situation that was way too familiar. And my answers surfaced the same. I reminded myself that the real question here was if im able to except it for the way it is, if i want to except it for the way it is. Otherwise, leave. Go. I am never one to try to change it. It has always been either take it or leave it. Last time i chose to leave it, it was the right choice. Tonight i chose to leave as well, and i pray that its the right one...

im tired.

is it over yet?

2006-12-07T03:54:00.000-06:00

So many of you already know, Joy is gone, my Joy. She got a great opportunity from her previous employer to do another contract on the cruise line where this time, she gets to travel to Africa. If some of you don't know Joy, thats one country that she's always wanted to go, but never got a chance to. So this is it and Im very excited for her. I know it's only temporary, she'll be back before I even know it, but I do miss her dearly. This is the first time in a long time where I wish for time to fly by quickly.

Other than that, not much is different with my life, that includes my lovelife unfortunately. You may wonder what happened with "that guy." Nothing. I havent seen him in about a month due to both of our schedules just not being compatible. But I am definitely tired of the dating scene. Now i really do want to have a "boyfriend." I want to be in a serious (& monogomous) relationship. I want to be head over heels in love and have that same guy be in love with me too. (see how I had to add that lol) I want to be able to talk to him everyday, even if it's about unimportant/uneventful things. I want to be at that comfort level with someone that I can finally be relaxed.

Srsly though, 2006 is coming to a quite shite end. I am emotionally & mentally drained! I'm just hoping 07' is better.

sawwy

2006-11-19T04:37:00.000-06:00

I know I know, it's been a loooooong time. Partly its due to me being so busy, partly because alot of things have been happening, and partly because im lazy. =P

Gees, where do i begin? Well most importantly, there is a big change that will occur soon. My best friend will be leaving for another cruise contract in december until may. I know its temporary, and thats partially why im not as upset about her leaving. Plus she gets to go to africa which she's always wanted to go but has gone everywhere but there. But this contract she gets to fulfil her dream and im excited for her. So while she's gone, im gonna have a temporary roommate, a friend of hers, a boy. hehe I met him the other day and he seems nice, so we'll see and cross our fingers that there will be no drama.

Well besides that, I've dated a few guys. All went pretty sour and didnt last due to the same issue as always, they got too serious and i wasnt ready or willing or both. BUT!! Of course, now that ive finally met someone i REALLY like and want to get serious with, he's unattainable. Go figure! The tables have turned it seems and right now im just waiting it out. Waiting to see what will happen. Of course me being the "realist" that i am, Im seeing it end in a negative way. Man this sux! So stay tuned I guess and we'll see.......

normalcy

2006-09-17T03:46:00.000-05:00

So I gave my two weeks notice at my 2nd job at mtv. YAY!!! It was basically working from 6pm - 2am. Not too bad if that was all that i was doing, but working at another job full time during the day....killer. Starting in october, i'll be back to my normal working schedule and have my tgif's back! Sip Sip Hooray!!

Whats The Point?

2006-09-15T00:22:00.000-05:00

So, if one doesn't want to get married or settle down. Is there a point to dating? This is excluding sex. By dating, I mean actually investing in your time into someone. If it was just sex, you wouldn't need to actually "date." So, whats your take? What would be the point for someone to still date if they don't plan to settle down, or should they not date at all?

Dating Dilemna

2006-09-08T01:22:00.000-05:00

So the dating life.....how has it been going? Good I think. Sometimes I feel it's too good, which worries me. What if i get content with being single and want to date until I expire. But then I wonder, why should I even worry if I dont care to get married? Whats the point of even dating then? Is it just for the companionship, for the sex, for the comfort of having someone until you get bored of each other? Kind of depressing.

All these questions pop in my head, especially after dating this one guy in particular. Yes, yes, I like him a lot. But I dont want to take the plunge. I want to continue to see other people, as well as he should see other girls. But I cant help comparing everyone else to him. We just clicked, from day one. He's everything I want in someone right now. He makes me laugh, he's kind and sweet, and he's affectionate. So why not go for it? Why not make it exclusive? Well I dont think there really can be a future for us. I really see us getting hurt in the end. I know that's negative and some of you will continue to say I'm a pessimist, but I really believe I'm more of a realist. We just have one big difference, that may not be a concern now, but will be in the future, and I guess I just don't see it working in the long run. It makes me so sad though cuz he makes me happy. And it's been awhile.

Should I take other's advice and just relax and go with the flow? Just enjoy it and have fun? I can and do when I'm with him and talk to him. But, every night when I go to sleep and lay in my bed, that's when all my thoughts and fears arise. And I can't help but feel the inevitable doom to come.

Portlands In Da House

2006-08-22T02:36:00.000-05:00

So my friends aaron and scott from portland arrived sunday, yay!! they're such great guys and i missed them a lot.l We went to dinner at a thai restaurant in Alhambra, thanks again josh!! delicious!!! and Scott and Aaron loved it as well. Scott really loved the level 7 spicy noodles, lol!! (sorry again scott - but that was hilarious!)

Afterwards, we came home and played the newlywed game. You may ask, hmmm....... isn't that a married couple's game, let alone just a couples game? How did you guys play that? Well my best friend Joy and I were paired off as one, and aaron and scott were paired off as the other. Yes yes, they were thrilled and aaron graciously volunteered to be the wife!! ha ha Well the newlywed game turned into, which pair of best friends know each other better. Of course joy and i won, and the guys knew we would as well, but it was a close game! Afterwards, we played some good rounds of Uno, great game!! And the highlight of that was scott getting hit with a 4 stack of "draw two's" and ending up drawing 8!! he was not a happy camper, but we still made sure to point at him and laugh. thats what friends are for :D

Then scott showed us some really awesome magic tricks, one that scared joy and i to death. i think i peed a little. and i showed my aweseom 4 jailbird magic card trick. you know what?!?! it was my first magic trick ever people!! :P

Then we ended the night well with some racial jokes and stories about haplo "breaking" his manhood ;) good times good times

well they're staying with us for a few days, then it's off to new mexico. all four of us are road tripping it so i know the fun has just begun!

Im a Druggee

2006-08-19T00:36:00.000-05:00

So some of you have known about my "bean." Its this killoid I had on my right ear, the 3rd one but we won't get into that. Well i finally got it removed last week, yay!! DING DONG THE BEAN IS DEAD.....

Besides feeling 5lbs lighter because this sucker was huge! It costed out of pocket (cuz me no have insurance) $950!! yep!! so if anybody feels sorry for me and would like to donate to the kim ju fund, i'll be gladly to give you my info :) So the surgery process was all local, i was wide awake and was just given some novocaine to numb the ear. So yes, I felt the doctor slicing away at my ear like he was getting ready to eat a grade A rib eye steak. He also used an electrolysis (<--i know i butchered the spelling) so i got to smell the burning of my flesh as i lay awake. yummy, medium well please.

Now today i went back to the doctor to get my 8 stitches removed. I had them front to back which i found odd since my killoid was on the back of my ear. Found out that he had to slice my lobe in half. Yes people, in half like slicing an apple you're about to share with a friend. ::shivers:: Anyhoo, how does it look you may be wondering. It looks alittle funky. The reason I get these killoids is because my body has a hard time healing from wounds, besides another part of me as well (sniffle sniffle). <--- haha Im being so DRAMATIC!! tee hee So naturally, there'll be a good chance of major scarring from the incisions. So my doc, shot me up with some steroids, free of charge! (dont worry it was all into my ear) But i was still very nervous! When he asked me "Do you want me to shoot you up with some steroids?" I looked at the doctor all confuddled O.o Apparently it helps the healing process go faster. So i said FREE? HELL YEAH!! SHOOT ME UP DOC!! (not really how it went) But here I am, seems the swelling did go down alot on my ear, and i havent started growing chest hairs just yet ;) (but keep your fingers crossed!)

an end at the beginning

2006-08-16T18:25:00.000-05:00

Casual dating to a serious monogamous relationship, should one be considered a better route than the other? The more I think about, the more I see they're not similar at all, yet, not so different. I know I'm contradicting myself right now. But it all makes sense.

At this moment, I'm in a rut. I've been playing for the "casual dating" team. Now I've run into someone who thinks and doesn't quite understand why I play for them. He asks if I have ever thought about running into problems with the path I'm taking. Of course I have. And I'm accepting full consequences in this decision I have made, being fully aware of all the possibilities. But it is MY decision. He questioned me, "what if you start liking a guy that you're dating and want to get serious with. But then you find out he wants to get serious with a different girl and not you." See, I've already thought of that happening, and that is the chance I have to take. But what difference is that from dating one guy, in a serious monogamous relationship, and then having him tell me that "i want to see other people" or "i met someone else." The only difference I see is you devote more in the committed relationship as supposed to the casual dating. That means you're risking more in every department, let alone the cut would be deeper. I'm still healing from a previous burn. And that is why right now, I'm not ready. Casual dating basically keeps me somewhat protected. It helps me to stay in line and not fall in too deep, or too quickly. It's basically like having your orange floaties and just dawdling in the pool, testing out the water, before you take them off and decide to dive in deep. Unfortunately with all that is happening, some things happen at the wrong place and at the wrong time.

Dont Fret

2006-08-12T04:14:00.000-05:00

So i've been thinking that i want to go camping by myself. When i told this to others, they all say it's a bad idea. And im sure they won't be the last ones either. But! What should i be afraid of? That someone will sneak into my tent and attack me? Well someone can do that in front of my house too. Does that mean i should stay at home, doors locked at all times? No. Of course not, that'd be ridiculous. We can't live our life afraid all the time. Life is about making decisions and taking chances, and then living out the effects of everything we do, both good and bad. We can and should always take precaution in everything. That is why i plan on NOT camping at some remote, desolate location. I'll be making sure there is cell phone coverage as well.

Anyhoo, what brought on this solo outing. I'm not quite sure to be honest. It sounds cheesy but i really feel like i need to be alone. Not because i think i'll get some sort of inspiration, or some new motivation in life. I just thought it'd be nice to be somewhere, peace and quiet. Just have a couple of nights where i dont have to think about anything, or anyone. I want to get to that point where my own voice sounds foreign to me. But we'll see. Again, this is just a thought so far so loosen up them panties! :P

which is it

2006-08-06T04:54:00.000-05:00

Its funny how people can let you down. How they can say one word, and it erases all your previous thoughts on him/her. It makes you want to shut down and close all your doors to the rest of the world. Makes me wonder what's more important, trust, or forgiveness.

Is Someone Trying To Tell Me Something

2006-06-19T11:59:00.000-05:00

Ive never been around so many lesbians in my life.......besides the couple of times i went to Girl Bar (lesbian bar) but besides that. Never. I went to this girl's house warming party near USC. As soon as we walked in, there were already a group of people situated at dining room table, painting and doing various arts and crafts activity. You see it was a house warming party, but the hostess didnt have any artwork to hang in her new apartment, so she invited all her friends create their own paintings so she can hang them up all over her new place. It was a great idea, but not for those who are artistically challenged (poor cherise).

So when we first walked in, everyone stared at us, especially this one girl, who i could still feel her glare when i looked away. So of course later that night when i was in the kitchen, she started talking to me and then asked me for my name. My favorite part was how joy was just standing there watching and smiling at me knowing i was getting hit on.

Well after the party, we get home and i jump on my computer to check my email before i go to bed, and sure enough, i got a message on myspace from some random girl who says she saw my profile and thought i was very attractive and if i was bi-curious at all to send her a message! There! I was like "is someone trying to tell me something?" "am i playing on the wrong team this whole time?" But i was courteous enough to reply back to her message saying "thanks for your compliment but sorry, you're not my type because you have a VAGINA."

Save Your Receipt

2006-05-17T11:59:00.000-05:00

A friend of mine tells me she has all these weddings to attend this year. Marriage is great and all, but it is also costly. Not just for the bride and groom, but for the attendees as well.

Since my friend doesnt live in the same hometown where majority of her friends do. It causes her not only to fly to the wedding destination, but also the hotel room, and let us not forget "the gift." All this racks up to a very highly cost.

My thinking is, weddings are fine and dandy. Besides the absolute bore at the church, and the equally boring reception, it is a special occasion for these 2 people who are so in love that they have to profess it in public. And for alot of money. But lets think about this some more. The divorce ratio has skyrocketed in america. There's a higher chance of you getting divorced than getting into a car accident twice. So, my main concern isnt for these two doomed lovebirds. but more for us, the innocent witnesses and our pocketbooks that have to be objected to all this.

So here's my theory, i think if you decide to get married, make sure its going to be til death do you part. And if you do get a divorce, refund all your guests.

Yes i said it. I think if a couple splits, it should be their obligation to refund every one of their guests' expenses in partaking in their wedding that now no longer exists!

Boys That Act Like Girls

2006-04-20T12:14:00.000-05:00

Its official.....ive become a man hater. Ive become a bitter old woman. I have not had any good encounters with the opposite sex. They're either completely insensitive assholes, or they're way overally sensitive thinking im always mad at them, whats wrong, you okay, just checking everythings fine. UGH! Ive heard that men think women are irrational. For the most part, i agree that MOST women are, and thats due to the fact that we think alot with our hearts, rather than our mind. BUT, i thinkI am an exception to that rule, maybe because I dont have a heart, or so i have been told. Boys need to stop worrying if im upset, or if im mad, because for the most part, i am not. Leave the girl be. Plus, if a girl is upset, then thats her problem, im a grown ass woman, i'll get over it, on my own, on my own time, on my own term. Stop trying to be superman and wanting to save me.

And whats with guys badgering a girl more when she clearly tells him "hey, im in a pissy mood" ? Isnt that made clear enough that now is not a good time to pick a fight, or to ruffle the feathers? If your friend came along and said how he/she is so sad and depressed and suicidal. Then are you going to turn and start telling this friend how you saw a baby get murdered just the other day? NO! its common sense people. So when someone says "im really annoyed today", dont try to pick a fight with them, dont joke or kid around them, dont haggle them. Boys need to learn to listen, its really not that hard. Just shut up once in awhile and clean out your ears!

I

2006-04-10T02:29:00.000-05:00

My life is an illusion, made to believe
My heart is empty, filled w/air
My mind is poisened, cant decide
But my lips seem to escape
the words that bind me down
I dare not speak, afraid to know the truth
He stands in silence, look of wonder
My eyes look to the ground

the waiting game

2006-04-07T02:18:00.000-05:00

I know everyones been in these situations before......but it wont hold me back from talking about it. My whole life ive always been in a struggle in wanting something that i cant have. Why must it be so difficult. Why cant just this once.......he can be in love with me? I think this constant torment has brought me to be so cynical about loving another. I dont see the point. But dont worry, im not all damaged and sensitive right now. No one needs to worry and start writing me messages saying to cheer up, all is good, everything will be fine. Because i know everything will be fine. It always is. I always move on. I always survive. But right now Im just tired. Tired of it all. I want to be head over heals for someone that I really like, and then have the same mutual feelings back from him. Please???

hmmm.....maybe if i was more forward about it? Should i be more honest with him? I try to give out signs but it just looks like their games. Im such an amateur. I think i'll just keep doing what i know how to do best. Just sit and wait. :) Maybe he'll come around. And if not, i always move on.

Just A Feeling

2006-03-28T22:27:00.000-06:00

Do you ever sometimes get the feeling that something major is going to happen in your life? Ive been feeling that way for awhile. Ive always thought 2006 was going to be a major year for me (thought something great was going to happen). But I have a feeling that something really bad is instead. And this event will cause a ripple effect in my life which I will never be able to go back to. I dont think this negative thing will sink me down a downward spiral, but it will have a major change in my world completely. I do believe that good things will also come out of this. Maybe I'll finally see some direction in my life, a guide to my path. Whichever case, I do feel almost prepared for this rif, almost.

Calloused Fingers

2006-03-14T00:06:00.000-06:00

So last night I started to play my guitar again (not good) but at least I picked it back up. Never took a lesson, so its all pretty crappy. But I realized how much I missed playing around with it. Im starting a new song as well.....its still very very new, has like one line in it, thats it. But lately Ive just been playing some of the old songs I made years ago!! Like 7 yrs ago!! I will never play and sing in front of people, :( but its just a great thing to do by myself, i enjoy it very much. And I decided to write out the lyrics to one of my songs I made up back in the day.....enjoy! Its called Mouth Full Of Rain

Everyday i would try to sing out loud
Every note i would think of you
All the times i would cry to sleep at night
Every tear i would soak it through
I'd sit and wonder can it be
I'd hope someday it would be me
Can i request a song to be played, on my rainy birthday

I wonder, if im wrong - am I just acting, alittle strong
Is it not really me - are we exactly where we should be

You never gave a chance for our love
We both believed in signs sent from above
But you were too far away from me
And I was too scared to believe

Anxiously i would wait right by the phone
Wondering when you would call
As each day comes nearer to its end
And again i know im alone
I'd lay and try to go to sleep
Praying that i wont cry too deep
Can i request a song to be played, on my rainy birthday

Justice Served

2006-03-12T15:34:00.000-06:00

This has to be one of the best & worst day of my life. (im totally exaggerating btw) First of all, the best part was earlier in the day. Joy and I had to run a few errands, go to target, best buy, shoe pavillion, etc. Well we decided to go to this little plaza first to get something to eat. And of course, since it was saturday, it was packed! We drove around the parking lot, looking for a spot to park, and then I saw this car pulling out. So i drove up to it, waited with my blinker on and everything. As soon as that car pulled out, some other random car just cuts me off and parks in the spot I was waiting for. I honked naturally, thinking "okay, this guy could not have purposely done this rude, unnecessary act. He must not have seen I was waiting" But sure enough, after I honked, he gives me the finger! And not the " great job" thumbs up finger! So I pull up alittle and just sit there, in astonishment with Joy on how this guy could be such a prick. And how HE gave US the finger when HE was the one that stole our spot. So he gets out of the car, looking a smug and smirking, we see he's in his 40s, which is even worse, he's a grown ass man, and the passenger comes out and its like his son, about 18yrs, also smiling. Which is even worse, cuz this guy is leading by example. And so, joy and sit there looking at them, I guess wondering for an explanation, just still in shock. Well instead of the man just ignoring us and leaving the situation be, which would have been better and not let the whole situation boil up. But he continued to rub it in our face, cursing at us, telling us to fuck off, go fuck yourself etc. So Joy just gives him the finger and we drive off.

During this time, while we're still trying to find a parking spot, joy and I talk about how stupid these guys were. We were saying we can go key his car, or if we were some other people, pull out a gun or whatnot. Joy then says these are the times she wishes she did have a gun so she can shoot that guy in the foot. We were both laughing but still upset about the whole situation. Then we joked some more about we should keep eggs in my car, in case of emergencies like these. Well anyhoo, we finally park our car, and as we are walking to the food court, I saw the 2 guys up ahead walking away and disappearing around the corner. So I said to joy, "lets go to starbucks."
We run in there, and joy suggestion was brilliant, a carmel frappicino with extra carmel and whip cream. We waited and waited for our drink to be ready. My adrenaline was pumping, my hands were shaking, and i couldnt stop giggling. After the longest 5 minutes ever, our drink was ready. I grabbed the drink, and we ran back to that guys car and I took off the top and first, smeared all the whip cream and carmel on the drivers side window. Then i took the rest and smeared and poured it all on the front windshield. I even left the cup and lid on his car! Joy was the lookout. And she did a fantastic job. Afterwards, we both felt so pleased and content, like justice was served for all the people who had this situation happen to them, and didnt/couldnt do anythign about it. Hopefully this guy will think twice before he acts like an ass, cuz far worse things could have happened to him, or his son, or his car.

Well that was my best day, and for the worst day of my life, well that was later that night. We went to go see the movie Ultraviolet.......OMG, had to have been the worst movie I have EVER seen, and that is NO exageration.

The End :)

Jr High

2006-03-11T14:41:00.000-06:00

So yesterday was a very weird day. I really thought it was a full moon. I got into work around 12noon, and of course it was busy. But what made it worse was when K aimed me. He immediately jumped to asking if i was mad at him. I told him I wasnt. But for some reason he didnt believe it, or didnt want to believe it. So he kept asking, and i kept telling him no i wasnt mad. I partly do blame the aim system, you can never quite understand the tone in someone's writing. So I think he just read me wrong. But what really pushed my buttons was that he had to get others involved. It just reminded me of jr high. Next thing I read from him is him saying that so and so also agrees that they believe im mad. I thought to myself, who are these people to make such a judgement? They dont know me, they dont know me at all! And I cant stand when other people butt in their noses where it doesnt belong. Well, I really wasnt mad, I was actually in a good mood, but after that unnecessary fiasco, I started to get annoyed. I wasnt mad at either one of them, it was an honest misunderstanding. But my day went even weirder from there. During this whole ordeal. I get a text message on my cell phone, from another friend saying "you hate me." I was like "wtf is going on?" I didnt quite understand how everyone was thinking I was mad at them today. That got me to wonder, should I be mad at someone? haha

Well this whole thing receded, thank goodness, because the whole situation was childish. But people will learn that Im not the type to get mad easily. I get it from my father. It takes alot, but when I do get mad, I can be mad FOREVER. It is one of my many flaws. I do get annoyed very easily though ;)

I do hope after this whole event, we can all learn that when I say Im not mad, that means Im not mad. And just drop the conversation. I am really not one of those stupid girls that say "no, nothings bothering me" But in actuality they want you to keep bugging them cuz they want the attention or whatever. I am not one of those! Thank God! If something is bothering me, I will make the first gesture to talk about it, if I even want to. So leave it be people. You dont want to open a book that you are not prepared to read.

Notso Happy Camper

2006-03-09T11:41:00.000-06:00

Well, im in a bad mood today, surprise surprise. I really need to find another job cuz what i do now, makes me really hate people in general. And thats not good obviously. Every morning, i get calls from people asking the dumbest questions, requesting ridiculous things. For example, people ask me for favors, when they should be the last people to even talk to me. Do these naive people think its that easy to get what you want? All you have to do is ask and you shall receive? I'll have an extra, who's cancelled on a few jobs (basically being a flake), call me to ask if i can get him his SAG voucher. EVERYBODY wants a SAG voucher, what makes you think YOU deserve one and not the other guy who shows up to every job we send him, who's reliable and eager to work? I really do hate people......i wish there wasnt a law against murder, i'd be a happy camper!

Last

2006-03-09T02:06:00.000-06:00

So tonights the last night with my dear friend hugo. He's been living w/Joy and I for about a month, but it seems longer, kind of wish it was longer. We went to PF Changs for dinner, his treat, and towards the end, Joy and I got teary eyed. She let a few fall, but i just held my breath and resisted the tears. Im so tired right now, but I dont want to sleep cuz the next morning I know it will be our last. Im so afraid that he's going to disappear from my life, again. Its amazing how us 3 have survived 14 yrs of friendship, lived thru seperate lives, yet end up back together like old times. I truly will cherish what an impact hugos had in my life, not just this past month, but through most of my upbringing. He has taught me to stand strong, to be an individual, and to grasp onto your passions in life. I shall miss his smell, his clothes hanging in my closet, his giggles from my living room late at night. I shall miss him, completely.